Always Fighting for the Love of My Life

Edward J. Demyan; Pancreatic Cancer Victim; Supported and written by MaryKaye Mackulin, who loved him.
RIP my sweet man ... 1963 - 2011

Friday, January 20, 2012

Want -vs- Need

So, the other morning I get to work and find out that my place of employment is having a surprise visit from the government accrediting agency that can make or break my place of employment.  O.K., we knew that we were in the window for our survey - although you don't know "exactly" when - but still, when the Federal Gov't shows up on your doorsteps, it's a bit unnerving.  I immediately stated... "I NEED a donut" to get through these next few days.  We all know I didn't really NEED a donut - but I WANTED one - very much!  I'm fortunate enough to work with some outstanding folks - next thing you know, we had a dozen donuts in our office.  And I partook in my donut delight.  (By the way, we had an excellent outcome for our survey!)

This got me thinking how I used to tell Ed that he couldn't leave me, because I NEEDED him... funny thing was, we both knew that we really did not "need" each other;  We were old enough to know that anything we really had to do in life, we could accomplish on our own.  My goodness, I'd been living on my own since before I was 21 (few trips back to Mom's house for various reasons), I had been a single Mom since the day the Demon Seed was conceived, I had been working full time for 25 years,  I own my own car & home, so no, I did not "need" him.  (Yes, I do get a ton of help and support from my wonderful family, most notably G-ma and Aunt C...  Dan, you are the bomb too!)  If I had to, I could do it alone.  It would be hard and it would be lonely, but I could do it.

Here's the thing...  we didn't NEED each other, but, we WANTED each other.  How flippin' awesome is that.  We WANTED each other - plain and simple.  We were adults, we didn't depend on each other for really anything...  We were both self-sufficient, productive, hard-working grown-ups.  I believe this made our relationship even more special - because it was something we wanted and worked to achieve.  I didn't even know I wanted a relationship until our friendship started to turn in early April of 2006 - and I was scared  - but wow, was it the best.  I will miss him always.

Jan. 27, 2012 will mark the 6 year anniversary of the day Ed showed up at my house for our first class reunion meeting to plan that fabulous 25 yr. event that we had.  I'll never forget the image of him standing on my step...  I opened the door, I looked at him, and although I had seen him several times since our 20th reunion, there was something different about him that day - he looked fantastic - he was in a good place, and he knew it.  That confidence transcended into his physical appearance - he was smokin' hot.  And, quite honestly, I never for a second thought of Ed as "hot" in the 5 years we had known each other prior to that night.  He was just Ed, aka, Eddie Luv.  He was just a nice guy that I kinda knew.   Well, he filled us in on the events that had been occurring in his life and then we got down to reunion business.  That night, Ed stayed and talked to me, for a long time.  For once, I just listened.  I really couldn't say much, as I had never experienced the things he was going through.  He left very late and he thanked me for letting him vent.  At one point during our conversation, he got up to go to the bathroom, touched my cheek and told me I had nice skin.  I was like, um, thanks?!  I thought to myself, that's weird - guys just don't do that kind of thing.  Well, Ed was definitely not "just a guy".   So many of my friends/family know this story...  It is a night I will never forget...  although we didn't start dating until 3 months later - I think inside I kinda saw it coming that very evening.  Not because I needed something to start, but I thought maybe, just maybe, I wanted something to start.  Who knew?! 

I miss you everyday baby - I'll have my dancing shoe's on this weekend because you know I love me some Funk & Motown.  Stevie, the J5, EW&F...  Oh goodness, I can hardly wait!  Looking forward to seeing some good ol' Brooklyn alum as well.

So, hoping you all get what you Want, but have everything you Need.

Peace - MK


  1. Love this post. God provides all our NEEDS and listens to each and every WANT.
    thanks for keeping up with our blog. It means so much.
    many blessings,
    Michelle Merimee

    1. Michelle. You are in my thoughts along with your family every day, xo. Hang in there. I am here if you need to vent or chat.


Comment will be reviewed prior to publication; all comments that are non-offensive will be published as submitted.