Always Fighting for the Love of My Life

Edward J. Demyan; Pancreatic Cancer Victim; Supported and written by MaryKaye Mackulin, who loved him.
RIP my sweet man ... 1963 - 2011

Friday, January 13, 2012

I Assume you are going to Judge this

So - Recently, Assumptions have been made, A LOT, and the term Judgemental has been thrown around, a lot...  The funny thing is, everyone Judges and everyone Assumes.  It's called being a human.  Assuming and Judging happens quite a bit with people who do not communicate well.  When you cannot communicate with someone, you start to assume what they mean.  Early on in mine & Ed's relationship, I encouraged him to work on improving communication with some important players in his life - he didn't want to...  I couldn't change that.  His attitude was always the same on this subject, up until he died as a matter of fact.

This isn't new to my life or our situation (as in, Ed's and mine).  I see it everywhere, all the time.  For us, it started immediately in our relationship, with people who could have made things really easy for everyone involved, actually according to Ed, it started way before that.  I didn't have a clue that I was  being "judged" by folks I had only said "hi" to in the past.  I didn't realize I was so offensive to people when I was out in public - you know, all that smiling, being nice to people, showing respect, having fun, laughing & that damn saying "hi" thing- My God - How Awful (insert sarcasm here).  As opposed to, well, being the exact opposite.  My goodness, I'm almost a monster.

I guess the irony of it is, in the spring of 2006, I was as optimistic as anyone could have imagined about a future with an extended family (which is not like me at all) but once I found out that my reputation had been trashed and that no amount of my being nice/or telling the truth was going to change the situation {because, shockingly, I HAD BEEN JUDGED}, what did I do - I judged back.  Do I regret it - not for a single minute.  That's called self preservation.  As time progressed and some of this persons very negative actions entered my home (i.e., police report was made) affecting my daughter and the man I loved - I no longer cared about protecting feelings or being open to this new person/people (no minors involved in this statement).  This was Not at all the way I envisioned things going for us...  I pictured "Adult Land" with open and honest communication and compromises - um, NO.  I became immediately inflexible about these folks and I become even more so as Ed became sicker.  If these people hurt his feelings, broke his heart or mad him mad, I became irate - I mean, how dare you treat a dying man this way, right?!  After Ed died - I was going to honor his wishes come hell or high water, and I tried my best, and it pissed people off, and I didn't particularly care.  Do I care now - just a bit, but not much really.  I mean, come on people, he was DYING.  The petty crap you were worried about (I don't know, a refrigerator comes to mind) angered me in a way that I cannot describe.  Like a cartoon person with steam coming out of their ears - like that.  I mean MAD. Mad beyond belief.  And so, I'm not mad anymore, but people are mad at me - I just don't care now, and it feels kinda great.  Ed used to talk so much about "letting go", and now I understand what he meant.  He was wise.

Judgmental:  Of / Or denoting an attitude in which judgment about other people's conduct are made;

If  YOUR CONDUCT SUCKS,  I'll have an opinion - you can call it "judging" - I call it, calling you on your bullshit.  And, visa-versa - when you don't like my behavior, you can do the same, and you have!  Just something that has been on my mind lately. 

You know what's terrible, I have a grudge against 2 individuals on this planet - funny thing is - I don't know either of them personally - Pathetic really.  The difference between now & 5 months ago - I don't care anymore.  When Ed was alive, I always felt like I needed to prove that I wasn't "the bad guy", "the monster", "the home wrecker"...  It wasn't me - it was something entirely different that I had absolutely nothing to do with.  But, I guess sometimes it's easier to just blame an outsider, a stranger, than to be accountable for your own actions.  Whateve's, I'll be the bad guy now - if that helps people sleep at night - no problem. 

Oh, and when you make "accusations" about a dead man - who isn't available to defend himself - really?!  That's Low, and I will judge you on that.

Ed was a great Fiance' and a Great Father and a Great Step Father and a Great Friend and a Great Employee and a Great Member of My Family - Those are Facts.  That's all that really matters anymore.

I'm done venting for now - and you can be the judge of that.

Peace - May you not be Judged for things you had nothing to do with!


  1. MK-

    Your life, in the past 5+ years with Ed, has been what most couples experience over decades. A lifetime has been compressed into such a short period of time.

    When I heard about Ed's illness and the relationship between the two of you I'll admit- I was curious. I found your blog and visited it looking for updates on Ed's health. What I also found was honest and open dialogue.

    I do not know you at this time and can say that I didn't know you well in BHS. However, in reading this blog I believe that you have done what Ed wanted and will continue to do so.

    I cried when you posted that some of Ed's personal items were not offered to you. Things, that I assume, would have special meaning only to you.

    You know, as well as I do, there are two sides to every story. Emotions run high and sometimes the most minute things take on a life of their own. Everyone has an agenda.

    There will always be some people who will choose to judge. They will not be able to admit that they were wrong- even if it is just to themselves. As you said, it is human nature. (Why do I feel the need to hum Michael Jackson right now??)

    Continue to honor Ed's wishes. Hold your head up high and kill them with kindness!

    Wishing you much peace...

  2. Dear anonymous. Thanks for the kind words. I am not angry anymore. Just disappointed in the way things turned out. I appreciate the feed back very much. I always enjoy reading comments and anything that makes me think deeper is appreciated. Mk


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