Always Fighting for the Love of My Life

Edward J. Demyan; Pancreatic Cancer Victim; Supported and written by MaryKaye Mackulin, who loved him.
RIP my sweet man ... 1963 - 2011

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


Well, less than 20 days till Christmas.  I have not purchased one item, not one.  It is pretty tragic actually.  I have not put up my tree yet either - just pathetic. 

So, Christmas....  What is there to say.  I cannot go into a church without losing it.  Christmas Eve mass is going to be completely embarrassing because I know I will just weep.  I would always get very emotional at Christmas anyway, now I'm a complete basket case.  I really thought that at the 4 month mark I'd really start to bounce back, but yeah, that ain't happening.  Ugh. 

My child is at least doing better now that I have yanked her out of the hell that was her High School.  She has been in a special program for one week now and it seems to be going well.  Man are girls mean these days, jeesh.  I mean, girls have always been mean, but it's at an entirely different level now-a-days.  Social media doesn't help either.  She just has to find her part-time job and I think she will really begin to grow in a positive direction.  I think Ed would have liked this change for her.  He was always on her "team" and really did see the positive attributes of that child.   She misses him so much - as, obviously, we all do.  Ed's "boys" and their wives have done a great job taking care of me these past months, and for that, I am thankful.  I had the incredible need to be around people who knew him best and they let me.  I was so sad when I did not get to go through his personal effects, it broke my heart in ways that are not even explainable (I'm sure there are several people who will find joy in that).  As time passes, and I've come to accept the fact that I will not get the personal items I made for him, which he treasured, I realize that I did get the best thing of all - I got incredible friendships, and that is worth more than any Christmas calendar or card or book or goofy t-shirt or jacket or whatever other material items I seemed to be missing.  I have his words from his e-mails and I have great, great friends.  I have acquired two new "bff's" actually....  Darcy and Toni - what would I do without you ladies for even one nano-second, I cannot even begin to imagine.  Then there are the rest of them....  Rob and John, Wendy & Michael, Nano & Greg, Jean & Mark, Greg & Dawn, Johnny G & Melissa....   You are forever in my heart.  Then, there are their children - I love each of them as well.  Oh, how each of you have become such an important part of my life.  Please know, I realize I have been quite difficult these past few months - but also know I love you all and wish each and everyone of you, and your families, a very Happy & Healthy Holiday Season.

So, as I try and move forward, I must remind myself every single morning that Ed made me a better person and in turn I will try and continue to be a better person.  It's hard.  It's harder than anything I have ever done.   With the child preparing for her Confirmation, being in church will once again be something I begin to do regularly, and with any luck, and by the Grace of God, maybe - just maybe - I will be able to stop crying every time I step foot in church.  I told her, her confirmation name should be "Edwina" - ha - she didn't agree.... shocking!  But, I promised Edward that I would make her complete her Sacraments and that I will do.

Ed had several nick names, I guess the most commonly known was Eddie Luv or Dr. Luv...  but I have started to refer to my child as the one he thought was pretty funny - Demon Seed.  Some days I believe she was made with an actual Demon Seed.... AND THEN,  then there are days like yesterday...  Cleaned her room, emptied her garbage, cleaned up her bathroom and, the icing on the cake, cleaned the fish bowl.  I refuse to clean the fish bowl - refuse.  I told her no goldfish were welcome in my home, then in July of 2010 she just had to bring one home from the Strongsville Home Days.  Um.  Not happy.  And the damn thing is still alive - WTF people.  However, at that time, Ed was on a mission to keep the stupid fish living...  He did a great job.  I mean, seriously, who has a carnival fish for 18 months?!  But, the Demon Seed really stepped up yesterday and did what she needed to do.  For that, I was grateful! 

To my incredible family - You all know you are the bomb, what would I do without your unconditional love and support - who would help me drive the Demon Seed to and from every corner of Strongsville?!  Thank You....  and I love you all dearly. 

So, if anyone is still reading this thing - I wish you all a happy, and most importantly, a Healthy Holiday Season and New Year. 

MK...........   and always, always, Edward James

And if you are looking for volunteer opportunities in the New Year - Join our fight, won't you!


  1. We Love you too!!!!! If you need someone to come drink beer and decorate a tree, let me know!
    XOXOXO Darcy (Rob too!)

  2. MK- Do you remember Mrs. Kline?

    Saw her yesterday and couldn't believe my eyes- she looks the same!
    She is a very healthy 83 years young!

  3. Thanks Darc... And, I don't think I do remember who Mrs. Kline was?! How would I know her - school, rink, Mr. Bills LOL! Maybe if I had a hint I'd remember. xo MK

  4. Mrs. Kline was in charge of Senior study hall.
    It was kind of strange I was looking at her thinking it had been 30 years- was it possible it was her- she seemed so OLD when we were seniors.

    What is Mr Bills?

  5. I remember Mrs. Kline now, funny - but who is posting this? It's showing as "Anonymous" and if you are unfamiliar with Mr. Bills - man, you don't know me too well - LOL. It was the BEST BAR EVER in Brooklyn - or, as I used to call it "HOME" from say, 1980-something till it closed. Come on, me, Janet & Darlene singing & dancing to Motown on the bowling machine - Classic. :)

  6. No, I do not know you that well.

    Just thought I'd share about Mrs. Kline.

  7. Well, Anonymous, thank you for the comment - and thank you for brining back some fond memories of "back-n-the-day".... When there was no real worry in our lives and fun was the name of the game. Our late teens and 20's were the best, because I have the best friends ever!


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