Always Fighting for the Love of My Life

Edward J. Demyan; Pancreatic Cancer Victim; Supported and written by MaryKaye Mackulin, who loved him.
RIP my sweet man ... 1963 - 2011

Sunday, October 9, 2011

4.28.2006 E-mail

Last night I read all the e-mails Ed had printed out & saved.  This one is entirely too funny, because it is as Cheezy as it gets.  We were like two teenagers when we started dating and our hearts were just filled with incredible hope and joy in the beginning.  I hope this makes you laugh.  By the way, "CTSF" stood for Carpal Tunnel Suck Fish - long story, but too sweet that he was as goofy as I am and loved the stupid initial game we played.

From: Ed Demyan
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2006 @ 12:06 pm

My Crab, I hope your day has gotten better and if it hasn't maybe this will help you.  I wanted to tell you my feelings in verse.  Tell me what you think.  Your CTSF :) xoxoxo

"Like a ray of sun that shines on morning dew,
You came into my life from out of the blue.
I did not look and could not see,
What was right in front of me.
I used to see you from afar,
Not really knowing who you are.
But something happened from the start,
On that night of Friday when you stole my heart."

Thank you my love...  Every word is so precious and sacred to me.  I am so incredibly sad right now that even the smallest things from you mean so much. 

It seems I keep hearing one song over and over on the radio, I know it doesn't really mean anything, but when I hear the lyrics reminding me not to fear the reaper, I know now that I don't.  When my time comes, I will not be afraid because I know it is you that I will be joining.  However, I am also afraid that, because I do not pray anymore, I might not be able to be with you.  It is an internal struggle like I have never had before.  I know people in your past probably prayed that I would be out of their lives and yours, and those prayers were answered, just not in the way that was wanted.  So, I am afraid to pray, because if you don't pray for the exact right thing, it may turn out horrifically bad.  It's the old "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it" scenario.  So, if God has everything already pre-determined, why pray, it won't change anything from what I understand.  So, do I still believe He is - I do, but do I believe it will make a difference if I pray, I don't.  It is in His hands and it comes down to my Mom's favorite saying of all, "It is what it is".

Paige's Birthday party is Friday, you always loved getting ready for her BD and the party, and this is going to be a difficult one to say the least.  Our hearts are broken and she missed you so much yesterday after her soccer game.  She had a bad game and all she said when it was over was, "I just want Ed here".  You had a great way of  putting things into perspective for her and she misses that so much.  She sleeps with one of your t-shirts every night.  Oh, and, the feeling is mutual, I just want Ed here.

Peace my love. 


  1. MK,
    I have followed your blog for some time now. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 PC a year ago. We have three little girls, 5 and under and are in our 30s. I have read your blog to see glimpses of the before and after PC. My heart hurts for you and I am sorry for your loss. My heart hurts to hear that you are no longer praying. True peace and joy can be found through a relationship with Him and that is through the gift of prayer. Prayer is not a list of wishes but a conversation with Him. We can do all through Christ who strenghthens us. Phil 4:13 Here is our blog: and my email address is on there. I would love to email or chat if you are willing.
    Many blessings,

  2. Dear Michelle - I read your blog, it seems to me you and Craig have something extraordinary, and I can relate. My heart, too, is broken - this disease is so incredibly cruel - age, sex, race - it does not discrimenate. I will pray, I will pray that you and your family receive the miracle we did not. Also, have you thought about contacting the Dream Foundation for a possible trip with your family?! They gave Ed and I our spectacular Super Bowl trip and I now have those incredible memories to help me get through. I will be watching your blog, and yes, I will be praying for Craig, you & all your loved ones. MK


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