Always Fighting for the Love of My Life

Edward J. Demyan; Pancreatic Cancer Victim; Supported and written by MaryKaye Mackulin, who loved him.
RIP my sweet man ... 1963 - 2011

Monday, October 3, 2011

10.3.11 Following PIB

As I was driving to work this morning, I realized I finally had my first real dream about Ed since he died. I couldn't decide if I had the dream because I was worried about this past weekend, and if he would truly be happy about being on PIB for all eternity (not all of him, just a little)...  Janet and Barb were convinced that it was absolutely the right thing. There were several "penny's from heaven" involved, a bartender named "Eddie" who's favorite saying was "Living The Dream", which most of his friends know was one of Ed's favorite sayings, etc - more on that in my blog later...  So, driving to work this morning, still wondering if it was right - the following song comes on 107.3,  Ed sang this song to me when we danced at my cousin's wedding last October and was one of his favorite songs and one of my favorite memories of him.  I have only heard it on the radio one other time, with Barb ironically.... So, I figure, he is happy.    I will meet you on the other side, Baby.

Just Breathe (Lyrics) Artist: Pearl Jam; Composer: Pearl Jam

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeah, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
I wonder everyday
As I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
I come clean.
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

He was the best!  This is why I was at every doctor appointment, chemo treatment, invasive procedure, hospice the first go around for pain management and hospice for 6 days and nights at the end.  This is why I have to let go of some of the negative emotions I have been having.  I know what we had and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks or believes, because that is what Ed would have told me. 

You are in some pretty spectacular places now my love - I hope you enjoyed what you witnessed on Friday and Saturday, cause I sure enjoyed taking you on that trip!  Oh, and Barbie & Janet really had fun helping me - thank you sweet friends!  I think we now have a new tradition for PIB - Fall Ball look out, you have some new fans that will be joining you for some time to come, God willing. 


  1. Hi there MK,

    Wow...I believe that you have had what I commonly refer to as "a visit" from your Ed. You called it "your first real dream". I have had several from my son in the 6 years he has been gone. The song by Pearl Jam? Another sign from Ed. Letting you know he's ok. It's a gift from him to you. Only you know the special meaning of that song...Hold on tight to these special will get you through the dark times.

    I continue to pray for you every day. I think you are doing well. You might not feel like it, but just the fact that you can go to work and function somewhat normally is good.

  2. MK - going thru anger is part of the grieving process. Don't feel guilty about that. I'm glad that you went on that trip and in a way let go and did some healing with friends - and with Ed by your side all the way. You have been so gracious in sharing so much of your and Ed's journey - I'm sorry that I didnt' get to know the man sooner - only met him a few times. You were blessed to have him in your life even for such a short time and you have learned so much. God bless you and keep you strong thru this process.

  3. As always, thank you Laura B., and to Anonymous, I'm not sure who you are - but glad you got to atleast meet Ed, he was a spectacular human being... Peace! mk

  4. MK...I just now read this. It reminded me so much of your Ed. The way you and he lived your lives.... So, I C&P it so that you can read it also.

    Aura of the soul.
    ‎*** ... Tribute To Steve Jobs , 1955 - 2011 ... ***
    A Society Grows Great When Old men Plant Trees Whose Shade They Know They Shall Never Sit In .....
    The Apple chairman and former CEO who made personal computers, smartphones, tablets, and digital animation mass-market products ,
    who died Oct. 5, 2011 of pancreatic cancer .....
    Steve Jobs' Three Rules of Life :-
    ... 1. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.
    2. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.
    3. Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition - they somehow already know what you truly want to become.

  5. people keep talking about steve jobs to a point its starting to irk me, but looking at the positive sides of it at least it has raised a lot more awareness for pancreatic cancer. good thing i have more time now to read about these issues since i am working from home selling import and export goods. good blog keep it up.


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