Always Fighting for the Love of My Life

Edward J. Demyan; Pancreatic Cancer Victim; Supported and written by MaryKaye Mackulin, who loved him.
RIP my sweet man ... 1963 - 2011

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Broken Heart

Well, I know that it is going to shock NO ONE, when I say my heart is just so broken right now.

I will be going to get Ed's bowling shirt tonight, and so do NOT want to go into HIS house.  I know I am going to encounter sights that will just kill me, but again, I need to muster up the "it is what it is" 'tude.  I guess I'm thankful that I can even get the shirt, I'm going to have it matted & framed with a picture of him & Dickey.  Then I'm hoping Greg can hang it somewhere at the lanes.  I think everybody would really enjoy that - I know Ed would love to be hangin' out at Dickey's Lanes with his friends.

I am missing his voice more than ever right now.  I know this will pass, but it's not passing quickly enough.  It is funny, Ed had a very strong feeling about how things would occur once he passed, and so far, almost everything he thought would happen has occurred in the past 5 weeks.  It's funny how people's tunes change when cold-hard-cash comes into play.  I would love to say that if I received a big fat gov't check that I'd be fine and oh so "life is good" - but I doubt it would matter.  It was never about money or stuff with us, it was always about time - the only thing he truly did not receive enough of.   He always knew that when I called him (or vice-a-verse) it wasn't to say - "hey, I need...."  it was always just to hear each other and catch up on our day and be supportive of what the other was going through at that particular moment.  We truly just enjoyed the hell out of each other, it was rare, it is gone.

The angry, bitter taste I have in my mouth will eventually fade away and this constant feeling of vomiting will also eventually be gone....  however, some feelings I have, I know I will have forever.  For all the love, joy and happiness Edward brought into my life, the flip side of what he introduced me to has been one of the ugliest things I have ever witnessed and nothing can change that.  I will probably never trust anyone again, 'cause that is just how I role.  I certainly know that finding someone I get along with that well again, is about a 1 in a gazillion chance.  So, I just get out of bed every day, breath and move forward, slowly, but still forward.

So for every person who continues to remind me how strong I am - I am not.  I am just normal.  I fought for Edward because I loved him unconditionally, he is gone, there is no more fight left in me right now.  Strength will come again, and I will continue to battle this f'ing disease, but right now I am exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. 


  1. Still Praying for you.

    -Jay Sutherland

  2. Thanks Jay - just a really rough week.

  3. I am so sorry MK. You will need to find your "new normal". New normal sucks. I hate it. But, when you find it, you will know. Right now, you are drained. There is nothing left in you. Also, grief has to be selfish. Most people will not understand. You owe no one an explanation as to why you do or do not do something. You have to look out for yourself. You do whatever it is that gets you through the day. I can remember early on in my grief journey, I had moments of the most unbearable grief. I honestly felt like I would die from the pain. The pain that goes deep to the soul. It's been 6 years for me now since my son died. The pain and sorrow is always there. It just gets easier as time goes on to deal with it on a daily basis. It's those little things that pop up from day to day...that bring it all back again.

    I continue to pray for you, for peace. It's all any of us people grieving want...some peace. Please be good to yourself.

  4. Thanks Laura B. I know, you know what this is like. And, I don't ever dare to compare losing Ed to losing a child - not the same at all. I love that you share with me, as I have with you. I very much appreciate knowing that there will come a time when it will be "better". I just wish it could happen sooner than later. Take Care - thanks for checking in. xo mk


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