20 Days Later, who is reading this

I am a bit surprised to see the number of "hits" this blog remains to get on a daily basis; I mean, Ed's fight for life has ended, but his battle against that f'ing monster PC continues, is that maybe why you are all still reading?!  I really cannot guess.

I'd love for people reading to post a comment, just to get an idea of what is going on in your heads.  I am really perplexed by this.

I cannot believe it's been 20 days since Edward James took that last, labored breath.  Sometimes I feel like it's been forever, sometimes it seems like a mere moment ago.  All I know is that my heart is broken into a million pieces;  I will not post what other people are feeling or thinking, because I am not them.  This doesn't mean that his family and friends are not dealing with his loss just as deeply, and, I'm sure, it is just as hard for them, but this blog has always been about Ed and myself and our journey.  I kept most other family/friends out of it unless it was something specific, not just an assumption of feelings or thoughts.  I will not write for my child (much) or his children, I never have.  I think somehow that has come across as that they are not important or were not involved in the journey, if you have thought that - you are wrong;  I cannot speak for them, I could speak, however, for Ed and myself.  So, there you have it.  This was "our" story as a couple - not about anyone else;  I could write a blog, I suppose, from other peoples perspective, but it would be a lie, 'cause I don't know their perspective.  So the continued comments and implications that have been put out their about certain people being treated unfairly or as unimportant, are incorrect and those are assumptions, and well, we all know what that means.  Again, I reiterate, Ed chose who he wanted involved in what - HIS wishes, no one else.  And again, I reiterate, if you didn't communicate with him or contact him in the last 17 months, then where do you get off on making any comment at all ....    Funny how people think they can speak for him now that he is not here to defend himself and he cannot disagree with what's being put out there.

I knew him better than anyone, some people don't seem to like that much, but it's the truth.  We communicated openly and honestly about everything, from day one;  there were no awkward silences when questions were asked, we just answered.  Sometimes the answers wouldn't come immediately, but they always would in time.  Ed put me on break once for about 3 weeks in the summer of 2009, during that time he sought counseling immediately to make a decision about our relationship.  Needless to say my heart was completely broken, but he didn't wait on getting help - not a lot of men would do that.  He called my every night while we were on that "break", but it didn't sooth me (this was prior to his diagnosis, obviously) cause I always felt like he was throwing away time that we would never get back.  I still feel that way today.  But in those three weeks (which, mind you, two of them we wouldn't have been together anyway, so really, he put me on a 7 day break which I still hated) he realized that he did want to spend the rest of his life with me and that 3 weeks of not seeing each other was more than he could bare as well.  I lost quite a bit of weight at that time, I was sick to my stomach that entire separation period.  But like I said, he didn't take it lightly, he sought professional help immediately and he found his way back.  That is an extra special man my friends!  If everyone was willing to admit when they needed a little help & seek it & take it seriously (that is key), how much better off would this world be.  I myself will probably be seeking grief counseling soon, but right now I still feel like there are a million things to get finished, and then again, maybe I won't - time will tell.  I have no problems spilling my thoughts to friends & strangers alike - um, hello, this blog for instance...  I am honest to a fault, my heart and mind are an open book, and communication is something I value very much.  I had a 13 year relationship with someone who just couldn't communicate and talk to me (oh, and lied to me, a lot)...  I learned from that experience at a very tender age that I could never and would never spend time with someone like that again - be it "friend" or more.  You cannot waste your time and energy on people who are not willing to communicate with you on an open and honest level (my own kid has this problem right now).  And, it doesn't have to be verbal, writing things and feelings down is sometimes easier, but it is just as important, because it is still open and honest communication.  So, if you love someone, make sure you let them know - don't assume they know, they don't.  And, if you are not being told you are loved by someone you love, keep working on the communication - I guarantee you, it is worth it.  

Believe me, when you communicate, the reward is more outstanding than you could ever imagine, and I was able to experience that for close to 6 glorious years. 

So, again, I don't know who is still reading this or why - but there you have my thoughts on day 20 without the man of dreams sharing this planet with me.

Peace - MK