2011 is Over

I have nothing profound to say to anyone, other than the usual - Life Is Short - Live It.

The emotional highs and lows of 2011 are not something that can be put into words.  If you have lived cancer, you know.  I was lucky, so incredibly lucky, to be wholly loved by someone and it made my life fantastic.  People keep asking me why Ed and I never got married, the truth is, he would have married me if I said it was what I wanted.  However, I never really felt like putting that kind of stress on our relationship while he was sick.  It just wouldn't have been worth it to waste our energy.   Some days I regret it - most days I don't.  He used to tell me all the time that we were more married than most people with a marriage certificate and that a piece of paper doesn't really mean that much.  He would say that he knew in God's eyes that we found who we were supposed to be with.  How do you argue with someone who says those things to you.  He loved me entirely.  I loved him entirely.  This was our love story - for 5 1/2 years when we were alone together we were incredibly happy.  Now, that's not to say that we didn't have our moments, we did - but those revolved around our outside lives - not the two of us together as a couple.  It is why we made a point of spending serious alone time together every few months so we could concentrate on just "us" and it would remind us every time of how lucky we were. 

We traveled to Atlanta on three occasions, plus Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Hilton Head, Dallas, Mexico and our many trips over to PIB together - these were the incredible moments we had together.  Some shared with family and friends, but so many quiet alone nights.  Those are what I miss the most.  Alone nights. We had the concerts, twice to see Toby Keith, we had Brad Paisley, Michael Stanley, Ritchie Blackmore and of course, Alice Cooper.  We had several football games and baseball games.  Ed was the first person I ever tail-gated with - I have no desire to do it again because he won't be there.  

When you can spend time with someone in complete silence (yes, sometimes I don't talk, shocking) and be completely comfortable - you know it's right.  We were best friends above all else.  We had great, great kisses, our physical chemistry overwhelmed us both in the beginning...  What an awesome gift in your mid 40's.  But, once the chemo started, there was no more real physical affection, and that is where being best friends comes into play.  He would get so bummed because he couldn't sleep with me because his pain levels became so intense and I missed kissing him more than anything.  Being together as best friends made the other stuff not so important.  He did get mad at me 'cause I was always asking him what I could do for him in those last few months - he told me I was being too "motherly" - but, hell, isn't that what women do?!  When you watch someone you love suffer, you feel the need to fix it.  But we all know, there was no fixing it.   I was so glad he went to Key West with his boys, not just for the need for them all to be together for some real man-bonding, but they got a real taste of what he was going through.  I believe that helped everyone understand  how tough it was for me not to be all "Mommy Bear" with him.   I never sanitized my hands so much in my life!  If someone coughed, I'd be all "get away from him", I made him wash his hands and sanitize them all the time when we were in public or after he played out with Newport...  By the way, where is that new CD fellas?!  He got to play his music, fish, hang out with his great friends, and be very much loved through 2011.  And I acquired a great support team...  Never once did I feel alone in our battle.   Because, again, friendship is truly what makes our lives great - and when you are really lucky - your family is not only your family, but your family members are also friends!  Ed was loved by so, so many and Ed will be missed always.

When we went to hospice in August, we both knew that it was the end and we both knew how lucky we were to have each other.  Nothing was left unsaid.  I will never love anyone, other than my child, that much again and that makes me sad.  It also makes me happy to know that I was one of the lucky ones to experience the real thing, even if it only lasted a brief time.  

So, as we close 2011, I say to you - be good to your loved ones, it is really the most important thing.