Broken Heart

Well, I know that it is going to shock NO ONE, when I say my heart is just so broken right now.

I will be going to get Ed's bowling shirt tonight, and so do NOT want to go into HIS house.  I know I am going to encounter sights that will just kill me, but again, I need to muster up the "it is what it is" 'tude.  I guess I'm thankful that I can even get the shirt, I'm going to have it matted & framed with a picture of him & Dickey.  Then I'm hoping Greg can hang it somewhere at the lanes.  I think everybody would really enjoy that - I know Ed would love to be hangin' out at Dickey's Lanes with his friends.

I am missing his voice more than ever right now.  I know this will pass, but it's not passing quickly enough.  It is funny, Ed had a very strong feeling about how things would occur once he passed, and so far, almost everything he thought would happen has occurred in the past 5 weeks.  It's funny how people's tunes change when cold-hard-cash comes into play.  I would love to say that if I received a big fat gov't check that I'd be fine and oh so "life is good" - but I doubt it would matter.  It was never about money or stuff with us, it was always about time - the only thing he truly did not receive enough of.   He always knew that when I called him (or vice-a-verse) it wasn't to say - "hey, I need...."  it was always just to hear each other and catch up on our day and be supportive of what the other was going through at that particular moment.  We truly just enjoyed the hell out of each other, it was rare, it is gone.

The angry, bitter taste I have in my mouth will eventually fade away and this constant feeling of vomiting will also eventually be gone....  however, some feelings I have, I know I will have forever.  For all the love, joy and happiness Edward brought into my life, the flip side of what he introduced me to has been one of the ugliest things I have ever witnessed and nothing can change that.  I will probably never trust anyone again, 'cause that is just how I role.  I certainly know that finding someone I get along with that well again, is about a 1 in a gazillion chance.  So, I just get out of bed every day, breath and move forward, slowly, but still forward.

So for every person who continues to remind me how strong I am - I am not.  I am just normal.  I fought for Edward because I loved him unconditionally, he is gone, there is no more fight left in me right now.  Strength will come again, and I will continue to battle this f'ing disease, but right now I am exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.